Sunday, February 27, 2011

the comparing journey

It is a funny journey this thing called life. I find myself in countdown mode these days and all that- that entails. Preparing to rent the house, getting the extra things that are needed or wanted and so forth. But it is funny how I have still time to compare myself to the next person, get hung up on on it and get stuck.

This word "missionary" was a big word for me to swallow for a long time, but once I finally accepted it - then what I found myself doing- was comparing myself to the "real missionaries" -you know the ones who go out into the jungles and pave the way to share the gospel to tribes that haven't even heard of it. That comparing has lead me to call myself a "fake missionary" - I subconsciously had accepted that I wasn't doing a enough. For me- having a washer and dryer and car was faking it. Not being in the jungles was faking it. But as I was sharing with a friend that I hadn't spoken to for a while sharing what we do, I said the "fake missionary" words and quickly continued on in my story. She stopped me and said - "you are not faking it. You are going to Africa - that is pretty real" Hmmm. That made me realize that I was putting myself in the place of not doing enough. Saying what God has me doing was not enough and I needed more to feel like I was doing something. What I really was doing was short changing what God had called me to and held myself back from experiencing the real joy of what He had given me to be doing. I stink in myself but for some reason I think I should be doing more. But He knows that I can handle what He has given me, not what I think. It is a "duh" But I see that I still have a lot to learn.

This lesson has not only been applied to that area in my life but also in many other areas of my life. I see how I do this comparision thing in my mamahood, my wifehood, my following Jesus hood, and my friendshiphood. It really is not fun to see my yuckyness come out when a spotlight is on my flesh. So here I stand- all my yuckyness laid out. But here is where I get grow and change. I have a choice. A choice to stay and compare or move forward and enjoy what He has given me to do. And really, isn't that what He wants from me anyways. Ok - so I want to grow and change and stop comparing. Baby steps to change. That is my prayer today.
So here is to growing and changing...Nya took this picture of me as we were at a park the other day...

1 comment:

carolyn said...

Ummm...simply beautiful, just like you my friend!
Your tangerine friend.